"The Hills" Are Alive With the Sound of Screeching Girls in TriBeCa

Trekked from my sick bed yesterday to B&N in TriBeCa, stifling a nagging cough and aches, to catch a glimpse of reality queen bee Lauren Conrad. It just seemed worth it after so many seasons of critiquing her.

Got there about 15 minutes before 7pm only to learn from a B&N clerk that 600 wristbands had been distributed. So I bought a copy of "L.A. Candy" and hoped L.C. would be willing to Jane Hancock it.

Got in line with everyone from hair-tossing college freshman and itty bitty tweens to Uptown-sounding Dominican girls and gum-smacking black girls. The queue snaked its way around rows and rows of shelves, from International Travel and Medicine to Diet, Relationships, and Study Aids.

Finally, after more than two hours (during which I nearly gave up several times only to be prodded back into place by a band of fans), we could see her. Seeing Conrad in person made it clear that all the fawning is probably about a veneer of perfection she projects. Not a hair out of place, two hours of scribbling her signature and she was just as seemingly sweet and cheery when I got up to her, #620 in line.

Where her co-stars and Hollywood peers often seem to be fucking up face-forward, she has a certain dignity and decorum. Her onscreen insistence that her friends follow suit can make her seem prissy and uptight, even cold, but in fact I think she's clear about where her personal boundaries are.

I know a guy who when we first met told me I looked like the kind of girl who walked around with a list in my pocket outlining the things I would and wouldn't do. Hated that assessment, but maybe it's accurate. L.C., with her flawless manicure and polished exterior, worked as the moral center of that show; and she probably has a list, too, lol.

So I told her she looked great, and she gave me a raspy "Uh! Thank You!" and quick chatter. I was going to rant about how she CLEARLY didn't write this book, how she has a BOOK DEAL, but ol' girl just seems charmed.

In Other 'Wedding' News...The-Dream Proves He Doesn't Always Use the 'Right Side of His Brain'

In the old days, back when movies were so new, they were still tagged with the somewhat awestruck moniker "motion picture," Hollywood's Studio system ruled over its brightest superstars like a fiefdom. From about the 1920's to the 1950s, during what's commonly referred to as the Golden Age in filmmaking, studio heads at places like MGM were known to dabble in matchmaking for the benefit of bigger box office.

So, say, Marilyn Monroe and Tony Curtis are about to open Some Like It Hot (1959), the geniuses in the marketing department wouldn't be shy about pushing those two together, at least on the red carpet, and letting the public come to its own conclusions. What's more enticing than the possibility that the chemistry happening onscreen between a couple - is also happening offscreen?

When I heard the rumor that The-Dream and his so-called muse, Christina Milian (can she inspire anything but weak record sales?) were engaged, it made me think of the cynical Hollywood studio system practice of pairing for publicity. I don't care how many staged paparazzi pics (see them above, trying their best Jay-Z and Beyonce, awful blonde 'do and all) I see of these two, I just don't buy it. It's impossible to listen to The-Dream's five-star Love vs. Money and not read into it that this is a male songwriter in love with the idea of love.

My guess is that he can project a whole lot onto whoever he finds himself with and then work it back into hits for himself and others (Hear "Umbrella," "Single Ladies," "Right Side of My Brain"). In an interview he gave to VIBE this year, he talked about how he tried to massage a hunger for greatness from his first wife, singer Nivea. Maybe he thinks he'll win with Milian where he failed with Nivea in several respects, but this has a stench about it...

Lauren Conrad Exits Stage Left on 'The Hills'

After five seasons as the willing, main character in a real-life Truman Show, The Hills' Lauren Conrad begins a two-part farewell tonight. While Conrad has had it with living her life on-camera, her publicity-loving co-stars will continue on, with Conrad's Laguna Beach nemesis, Kristin Cavalleri, filling the void.

In 2006, Women's Wear Daily reported that the hen-pecked L.C. had been offered a shot at solo fame. On MTV's Laguna Beach, Lauren had been the poor little rich girl from "the Real Orange County," thwarted at every turn by the brassier, blonder California Queen Bee Kristin. L.C. was her high school's prom queen-manquee. A move to Los Angeles and a coveted internship at Teen Vogue would give her a chance at reinvention.

When you think about it, it's pretty fascinating that a 17-year-old girl would choose to live out some of the most tumultuous years in a girl's life on a half-hour block of weekly programming, from LB to The Hills.

My cousin, a Family Guy (Fox) fanatic, put me on to a hilarious recent episode titled "We Love You, Conrad," in which the family's well-bred, intellectual canine, Brian, starts dating L.C. only to dump her when he discovers that she's practically a rocket scientist simply playing an airhead for ratings. Hearing the voice of the real L.C. spout off about molecular biology and historic American military battles was just genius. Of course, that epi was as scripted as her own show. If only L.C. and those O.C. chicks were a band of closet sophisticates!

Lauren traded in her anonymity for serious spoils. How many interns do you know appear on the cover of the publication they're toiling for? Conrad also became a spokesmodel for AVON's youthful Mark collection, launched a subpar clothing line that sold at exclusive boutiques, and recently signed a book deal.

Lauren and her clan were fast becoming household names, yet onscreen, MTV producers gave no hint of the paparazzo-magnets their stars had become. A bold experiment in 'reality' TV would have followed her rising celebrity and the ensuing debacles instead of the Heidi-and-Spencer nonsense that wore thin over several seasons.

On TV, Lauren worked as a glorified intern at Teen Vogue's West Coast offices, giving us a peek into the fashion closet and letting us tag along to a couple of high-profile balls in L.A. and Paris but not much else. Friends came and went - and boys were often the culprit: Remember Jen 'Bunny'?

Enrolled at the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising, L.C. displayed no particular gifts or skills in fashion or any other field. And those morning-after post-mortems when Lauren in the company of Whitney or Audrina or Lo re-capped the previous night's action were often excruciating to watch: no witty banter or insight, but lots of Chanel and Marc Jacobs.

I think the real action now will be off-camera, as Conrad - and her collection of headbands - exits stage left, to rediscover life without a voiceover. I tuned in initially for the same reason I tuned into The WB's Felicity in the early-00s. I'm just a sucker for a storyline that affords its heroine a second act.

Obsessions: MTV's 'The City'

After four seasons, I am still working out (defending) my ongoing fascination with 'The Hills.' Now with a spinoff of the reality show set to debut at December's end, I can see already that 'The City,' with Hills regular Whitney Port leading, will be my new must-see TV. What is it about it? More on that later.